


andPhil

by phanetixs



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, instrospective angst, some jealousy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-12 04:33:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12951372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanetixs/pseuds/phanetixs
Summary: "He could’ve responded. He could've laughed it off just as easily as he could’ve agreed with the sentiment behind the joke. Because it’s true, isn't it. Phil laughs at himself, now, casts himself a pitiful smile in the bathroom mirror."Or, it's difficult not to feel anything but.





	andPhil

**Author's Note:**

> wowie hello this was inspired by _that_ truth bomb but also the idea of being jealous of a partner and then feeling terrible about it. 
> 
> this is unbeta'd so let me know if you spot any mistakes.

 

Somewhere when they first start talking; could’ve been early 2010 when Phil first realises he’s smitten beyond recognition, Dan talks about YouTube, properly. His hair curly, the first Phil’s ever seen it that way, and Dan talking loudly over the Guitar Hero theme song on the outside telly. Dan’s huffs like he’s agitated, and runs his top row of teeth over his bottom lip twice before Phil realises it’s _nervous_ vibes he’s actually sensing. 

Phil pauses between one story— about mama hamster Norris chewing through her toy— and the next.

Dan says, fists clenched. “I want people to go _wow_ at me, Phil. Like not do it half-assed anymore—dunno.” He's just agreed to law at Manchester; the idea of Dan trying to make it big on YouTube counterintuitive now that he’s about to go begin university. He doesn’t say it, not when Dan’s prickly enough about the future—a month, ten years. 

Phil says, instead, “Your videos have been _good,_ Dan. People have really liked it, have you seen the comments? S’great. _You’re_ great.” Phil flushes at the end, fixes his eyes on the spot beside Dan, on his pillow, and heaves a sigh of relief when he sees a crescent-shaped dimple vaguely appear at the corner of his left eye.

“You're _biased_.” Dan says—he’s blushing too, Phil thinks—and shakes his head. 

Phil says, “Your subscribers are increasing by the minute—“ He ignores Dan’s mumble _half of them are yours anyway_ and plows through. “You’re the next _big deal_ , Dan, and everyone knows it. You’ll have more subscribers than _me_ soon enough.”

Dan shakes his head at that, says, “ _Never._ You’re amazing, AmazingPhil. I’m sure lonely old me with my self-deprecating humour will only last me till the end of this fucking year. Until I get my foot into this whole law thing.”

“It won’t. Trust me. You’ll still be bloody _fantastic_ in like a decade, with me right there with you.”

 

-

 

Phil’s always been generous. Brought up by a kind, fun-loving family: the Lesters, the nicest family on Marslide Drive, middle-class Rawtenstall. He’d always liked to share, not the least bit temperamental (except for things he truly, deeply cared about) and overwhelmingly nice because his anxiety spiked whenever he wasn’t. 

So, Phil never minded that Dan was always _that_ bit more popular than him. In fact, he enjoyed the idea of Dan being actually _happy_ with how his life turned out—even if that came at the expense of his own popularity—and he’d always let Dan take the lead. Dan: more talkative, more relatable, more quick-witted, and just _more_ than Phil could ever make of himself sometimes. 

Just sometimes, _sometimes_ , Phil wished he could be the _Dan_ of danandphil.

It makes no sense, whichever way Phil has thought about it, but he doesn’t ever want to _talk_ about it —not to Dan, especially, and Dan constitutes _everyone important_ so the odds of him ever saying it aloud is close to none— so it doesn't matter if it makes sense or not, he figures.

The ways Phil’s thought about it always end up something like this: Phil doesn't wish he was actually _Dan_ : actual Dan Howell, someone he’d quite like to spend the rest of his life with; his best friend, forever and always. 

But, instead, he wishes he could be more like _Dan_ : first in mind when anyone sees a picture of them together, the Dan now with six million subscribers, the Dan who gets solo jobs more often than not nowadays.

The _Dan_ who is far more confident than any _Phil_ is, in any universe.

Don’t get him wrong: he wouldn’t want to trade his career for anything, for anyone. He’s doing quite well for himself, all things considering, so, there’s no reason to be _jealous_ of other people. Especially of his own other half, no less. 

 _You’re equal partners in this_ , Marianne first told them, about to sign a contract to the rest of their lives. An ambivalent will-they-won’t-they concept the bane of their existence on a social platform, and Dan had squeezed his hand and signed first. 

Equality, in any respect, is the hardest to achieve. In the deepest, darkest recesses of Phil’s memory, he holds no memory of a time when they had been equal in _anything_. It’d been Phil on the uptake, 2006 and gaining subscribers, slow but sure. Then, it’d been _all_ Dan— and Phil, as a whole, was content to sit back and try his best to enjoy the ride. 

Phil remembers nasty comments, the ones saying he's only hitching onto Dan for the fame, the popularity, and Phil couldn’t say anything in defence without lying. He couldn’t say, _I love him, goddamit,_ without backlash from every side.

The Lesters raised him to be good and truthful and nice—expendable virtues when rule number one: _fiercely protect what you hold dear_ comes into play.

So, at the end, Phil preferred to say nothing at all. Because he loved Dan _so_ much he couldn’t contain it sometimes. He’d allowed Dan to grow and grow like a flower blossoming and let himself take root underneath; growing slower with less light.

 

-

 

“You’re on a hundred thousand subscribers now.” Phil tells him, one morning as they’re cooling down from a heated romp. 

“ _Oh_.” Dan places a hand on his chest.

“You don’t check?”

“Nah, I’m sure the statistics are not that great anyway.” Dan says in reply, spider walks his fingers up Phil’s chest and rests it in his hair.

_No, they_ _are_ _great. They’re so much better than you expected. So much better than—_

 

-

 

They make jokes and it’s all good fun until it’s really not.

Brian, YouTube Brian with a long beard whom they become well-acquainted to at a late-night creators’ party, nudges Phil, says, “How does it feel being the less popular half?” He’d meant it in a jokey way because Phil was looking rather despondent, stirring his fruity margarita in the corner whilst Dan was schmoozing with other people nearby.

Phil feels a pang of hurt, hides it well with a pained smile. “Good. I get to stand here and drink through too many of these.” He waved around his glass and made small talk to bore Brian into leaving the conversation so he wouldn’t have to. 

He could’ve responded. He could've laughed it off just as easily as he could’ve agreed with the sentiment behind the joke. Because it’s true, isn't it. Phil laughs at himself, now, casts himself a pitiful smile in the bathroom mirror. 

PJ had made the joke earlier. He’d implied it, like most people ever do nowadays. There are no more hateful comments about Phil—not when he has an entire fanbase that’d go to war if they have to—but Phil can’t help to feel the ache in his chest rage again. It’s a constant, it’ll be there forever it feels like. But soothed over with the way Dan’s love is equally present. The way Dan will always be there for him as well.

Relationship is a two-way street, and he’s lucky to have found that for himself.

Dan had pulled PJ aside earlier. Phil thinks Dan would’ve done the same to no-filter Brian if Phil ever found the guts to actually _tell_ him about this. His feelings, the way his heart clenches a bit when Dan celebrates his next milestone and Phil’s in between.

He stews over that thought when Dan shows Sophie and PJ the door, then plops beside him for a cuddle. 

“You didn’t have to do that.” Phil says, tired of the way Dan has to fight his battles sometimes. Especially when it’s only a battle amplified in Phil’s head and Phil’s actually not at conflict with anyone except his regrets. 

“No, I didn’t _have_ to. I wanted to. You didn’t deserve that, joke or not.” Dan says, lies his head on Phil's shoulder.

“Do you—“ _Do you think you’re better than me? Do you think I’m the weak link in this partnership? Am I too little for you?_ All the thoughts he wants to say in the heat of the moment but doesn’t. What good will it do, at the end? Only ruffled feathers and Dan overextending himself to show Phil he’s worth everything. It’s like Phil knows Dan so well he can preempt his moves.

Dan blows him out of the water, suddenly. “They loved the game, y’know, Truth Bombs. Soph was gushing over it on their way out.”

Phil looks at him in awe because he’d suddenly realised, again. 

“That was _your_ idea. You figured out the format, you thought of questions and brought it to Jane at BigPotato. It was all _you_. Never let anyone forget that. Not me, not yourself. You’re _amazing_ , AmazingPhil.”

It feels like the beginning all over again. Like new chances and fresh starts. Like enjoying his own popularity without the shadow of another person by his side. 

“It _was.”_ He agrees, with as much conviction as he can muster.

He might forget this, along the way. Heck, he might forget tomorrow when he sees a post about Daniel Howell and no mention of his best friend, his partner in _every_ sense of the word. There will be jokes. He might always be _that_ step behind him. He might forget but then he will remember because there’s Dan, there’s all the remnants of a whole life built. As individuals but also as a team. 

He might forget.

But as for now, he breathes in the scent of placid contentment, he can’t help but remember.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i had a tough time ending it. i tried my best to end this on a happy note but it's impossible to be continously happy with something as ever changing as a career on the internet. hope this is realistic enough, and made enough sense for you to leave a kudos and a comment, if you have the time :)
> 
> i'm on twitter and tumblr @phanetixs


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